I haven’t been writing much here or anywhere really for a long time as I’m dealing with a lot of bad shit in my life and battling depression I guess you could say, not that anyone really gives a shit really about what I have to say so it probably doesn’t really matter if I write or not, no one would miss me I’m sure…
There’s a quote from a movie or tv show, I don’t remember what it is but it’s something along the lines of one person asks what it’s like to die and the other answers that it’s like before you were born… I like that explanation, it’s an answer but it’s not an answer really.
I’ve debated posting about this as I’m a very private person and I don’t like sharing private things on the internet. I guess this is a rant because I’m angry, but it’s a confession maybe as well.
I’m sick, and no one can tell me what’s wrong with me.
I’m 43 years old and my body is betraying me, at least it feels that way.
They think it’s possibly MS, but they don’t know, all they say is ‘it can’t be ruled out yet’.
Been to medical doctor, he’s baffled, sent me to neurologist and he’s baffled. Neurologist sent me for tests, all kinds of blood work been done but really showed nothing except some vitamin deficiencies which would not cause my problems. Have more tests scheduled, want me to get EEG which I’m going for tomorrow, then he thinks I’ll need a spinal tap. I can’t have an MRI since I have plates and screws holding my skull together so I have to get spinal tap. Not looking forward to that.
I twitch randomly, especially when I’m relaxed. The twitching is really annoying.
My hands shake, my fine motor skills aren’t what they used to be. I have to concentrate hard on what I’m doing to do anything detailed.
Right now it’s hard to type this as my left hand just doesn’t want to work. It’s like I have to force it to type. And they’re both trembling, the left is worse though. I’ve been using a computer since I was like 8 years old and my typing speed is down to about hunt and peck right now and all kinds of mistakes.
My left hand/lower arm is like it’s asleep all the time, pins and needles like feeling. It’s always there, sometimes worse some days, but always there faintly. Sometimes it’s actually numb.
I drop things all the time now with both hands. I haven’t broken any dishes in a while though so I guess that’s a good thing. I have to concentrate on what I’m holding to make sure my hands stay closed on it so I don’t drop it. I still drop things though all the time, thankfully they aren’t breakable things I’m dropping…
Have good days and bad days, sadly the bad days far outnumber the good days.
I love to cook, was a chef, but I’m nervous now about using a knife. Afraid I’m going to twitch at the wrong moment and cut off a finger. That wouldn’t be a good thing I don’t think….
I get horrible headaches a few times per week. No it’s not my eyes, been checked, prescription is fine.
I can’t walk really now. A few years ago it started where my knees would just give out, and it’s progressed to the point now where I literally fall to the floor numerous times per day. I have to walk what I call ‘straight-legged’ where I don’t bend my knees or they just keep going and I fall. Even walking like that isn’t really helping anymore either so I use a cane. I’m afraid it’s going to come to the point where a cane won’t be enough either, at least that’s where it’s progressing.
I’m 43 years old and I need a cane and I don’t like it.
Three doctors have said I can’t work, so I can’t pay my bills. I don’t know what to do. Getting shut off notices now as I can’t pay utility bills. Wife works but her income is not enough and no one can help me.
I have no family I can ask for help, really I have no one.
I thought about doing one of those go fund me things to try and get some help, but I’m afraid people wouldn’t believe me as there are so many scams out there now. Then again, why would someone just give money to a stranger? Then again there are good people out there I guess, or at least I hope there are, I have to believe that there are still good people out there anyway.
Yeah I applied for disability and was denied. I see these people out there who are clearly not disabled but yet they get it. Me, I have real, actual physical/neurological problems and I’m denied. It’s not fair. I do have an appeal hearing coming up but that still not going to help now, even if I win it could be another year before I even see benefits from them.
I don’t know, but there it is, it’s out there now…
Wow… so I’ve had the worst week of my life this past week. I started getting sick like last Thursday/Friday like the 7th or 8th and then it really hit me Saturday. I didn’t even eat for three days, I just sort of slept and coughed and threw up and had a nasty fever and diarrhea and all that fun stuff .
I’m not the type of person to throw up, I think the last time I threw yup was about15 years ago and that’s no exaggeration. So when I throw up I know there’s something really wrong, especially if it’s more than once.
I had a fever for days and I believe I was like having fever induced hallucinations because I distinctly remember talking to my cats and them talking back to me, yes we were having conversations. I don’t think my cats can talk so I think it was all in my head because of the fever…
I was freezing and yet I was sweating profusely, I mean I was sweating to the point I woke up and my clothes were soaked through like I took a shower in them. My pillow was soaked all the way through to the other side, so yeah I was a sweating a little bit apparently. It was amazing that I was freezing and shivering uncontrollably but yet I was dripping with sweat. The odd thing was that I would get goose bumps like when you’re cold, but these actually hurt, I’ve never experienced that before.
As far as sleeping, I really didn’t sleep at all from Sunday until Tuesday I believe, but a few minutes here and there it seemed to me. I would lie down and a few minutes later I would start coughing, so the cough just wouldn’t let me sleep. The odd thing was that I could only lay on my left side, when I tried my right side the coughing was 100 times worse, so for days I could only lay on my left side which that in itself hurt after a day or so.
So yeah I didn’t eat for days, then I ate soup on Tuesday which stayed but came out the other end rather quickly. Wednesday tried soup and crackers, which stayed down as well. Thursday I had the soup and crackers but I was actually hungry later and tried some scrambled eggs. So it was a good sign I was getting an appetite!!
I’m better now, for the most part, I really have no voice, and I’m still coughing, but nowhere near like I was, but I don’t have a fever and I can sleep more than a few minutes at a time. I’m still waking up in the middle of the night with a coughing fit but at least it’s not all of the time. My throat and lungs hurt from all of the coughing and nothing tastes right to me. I love my coffee in the mornings and I tried it yesterday and today and it just doesn’t taste right, then nothing does.
I have some antibiotics so that’s good.. last week has really been just a haze for me, I honestly can’t clearly remember much of it, and what I do remember I’m not sure it actually happened or not?!
I can’t recall ever being that sick, it’s not nice at all, and it wasn’t fun…..
So yesterday I took my kids to get their physicals for school and they also get flu shots. They weren’t happy about the shots of course so I figured why not treat them when we were done. There’s a McDonalds in the same shopping center as the doctor’s office so I asked if they wanted to get a milkshake on the way home. I hadn’t at dinner yet, and I saw they had the McRib and thought that sounded good. Guess that’s the first thing I did wrong, thinking something from there would be good.
Anyway we go inside and the girl who’s supposed to be at the counter wasn’t there, they had to find her. Finally she comes and she’s rude as hell, I guess we disturbed her break of something. There was no one else waiting behind me but she acted like she was in a hurry. So fine whatever, deal with it I guess to make my kids happy.
The kids ordered their milkshakes and ended up getting fries as well and I ordered two McRibs. It took a while to get just these few things and we left.
I get home and opened the first McRib and it was fine, opened the second one and there was no sauce at all on it. What the hell is a McRib without the sauce, that’s what makes it right? So that was ruined, dry and rather nasty without the sauce on it.
Oh and I forgot to get a receipt, she didn’t give me one. I meant to ask but the girl was just so rude that I wanted to get my food and go home. The bill was $20 for two sandwiches, three milkshakes and three fries, it just sounds a bit high to me and I wanted to check the receipt. oh well, live and learn. Then again that might be the correct prices, it’s been a long time since I’ve been there.
Then the night and now morning today I’m paying for it. I have the worst case of heartburn and reflux I’ve had in a long time, nothing seems to be helping at all. Zantac and Prilosec don’t help, I’ve taken more than I’m supposed to at this point. I just want it to stop, the food is like sitting in my throat, at least that’s what it feels like to me, I know it can’t still be there.
That’s not all though, I’ve made five trips now to the bathroom since last night, and my stomach is rumbling still. I don’t know why I even try, it seems every time I have McDonalds it makes me sick this way. I try and stay away from there for that reason, but I was hungry and we were there. That was a mistake apparently, thinking that I could get away with eating their food. I’m just not happy right now at all.
Gack, I’m so nauseas I just feel like I’m going to throw up, which I think I’m going to go and do now…
Umm.. Happy New Year I guess…
I still feel like blah, but not as bad as I was…
and my mom is now officially on the Liver Transplant waiting list and it’s going to be a while apparently before she gets out of the hospital.. so she now has an infection in her kidneys and her liver, and her spleen is enlarged as well… they are talking about putting a shunt? or stint? in place to help drain the fluid, supposedly it will go straight to her kidneys so she won’t have to keep coming back to the hospital to have it taken care of ‘manually’ this is of course just temporary while she awaits a transplant…
What a way to start the new year eh?
::gack::